Whilst I was pondering how to mark the passing of the Noughties (are we supposed to call the next decade the Teenies? Please, pass the Arsenic) without falling prey to the predictable Top 5s routine, it occurred to me that I could kill three birds with one stone and include references to Mick-McCarthy’s-Old-Trafford-Second-String-Team-Gate (catchy, eh?) and the ongoing car-crash that is Rafa Benitez and Liverpool this season.

So I am proud to give you the McCarthy-Benitez Select XI, a team of perpetual bench-warmers and transfer flops:

1) Steve Harper – Newcastle (62 Premier League apps, 0 goals)
Spent so much time on the bench at St James’ that one of the seats is inscribed with his name. On speaking terms with Shay Given in 2009 after a decade of silence.

2) Phillip Degen – Liverpool (3, 0)
Signed by Rafa in the summer of 2008, Degen mostly spent his first Anfield season being injured. Finally made his Premier League debut in 2009, and earned his first start against Fulham. Sent off as Liverpool went down 3-1.

3) Winston Bogarde – Chelsea (9, 0)
Famously chose to “loyally” see out his Chelsea contract, admitting it was because he wouldn’t be able to get £40k a week at any other club even if he was playing football.

4) Gerard Piqué – Manchester United (12, 0)
Signed by United from under Barcelona’s noses, Piqué’s role was mostly to watch Rio Ferdinand. Sold back to Barça, who he helped beat United in the Champions League final. Oh, and his full name is actually Gerard Piqué Bernabeu, just to stick it to Real as well.

5) Per Kroldrup – Everton (1, 0)
Everton spent £5m on the Dane specifically for the Boxing Day 2005 fixture away to Aston Villa, a 4-0 defeat. Job done, he left the Toffees the following month.

6) Eric Djemba-Djemba – Manchester United (20, 0)
A rare dud for Sir Alex, a potential replacement for Roy Keane who didn’t work out. Later repeated the trick at Aston Villa, and now plays in Denmark.

7) Shaun Wright-Phillips – Chelsea (82, 4)
Chelsea spent a banker’s bonus on SWP in 2005, but he had as much time on the bench as on the pitch, and missed the 2006 World Cup as a result. Scolari’s arrival spelt the end, and he returned to Manchester City.

8) Steve Sidwell – Chelsea (15, 0)
Left Reading after helping to keep them up, and vowed to do more than just make up the numbers at the Bridge. Failed, and left for Aston Villa after just one season, where he makes up the numbers. Last seen pretending to be a ballboy.

9) Sergei Rebrov – Spurs (60, 10)
Signed from Dynamo Kiev with a goalscoring reputation, his ten goals over two seasons cost more than £1m each in transfer fee alone. Further repaid Spurs by advising Roman Pavlyuchenko on avoiding “dark-skinned people”. A lovely chap.

10) Bosko Balaban – Aston Villa (9, 0)
A rare occasion that Deadly Doug Ellis deigned to write a cheque, he soon wished he hadn’t. Balaban lost motivation when he found out he’d have to pay for his own Aston and his own Villa.

11) Andy van der Meyde – Everton (28, 0)
The Dutchman could have been a good signing for Everton if only he weren’t as fragile & ill-disciplined as the British transport system in snowy weather.

Now I must add that this is by no means intended to be a “Worst XI”, although some of the McCarthy-Benitez team would be candidates. Others couldn’t possibly be, having not actually played in any meaningful sense. Rather, think of them as alternatives vying in their own way for your Noughties Nostalgia.