The McCarthy-Benitez Select XI

Whilst I was pondering how to mark the passing of the Noughties (are we supposed to call the next decade the Teenies? Please, pass the Arsenic) without falling prey to the predictable Top 5s routine, it occurred to me that I could kill three birds with one stone and include references to Mick-McCarthy’s-Old-Trafford-Second-String-Team-Gate (catchy, eh?) and the ongoing car-crash that is Rafa Benitez and Liverpool this season.

So I am proud to give you the McCarthy-Benitez Select XI, a team of perpetual bench-warmers and transfer flops:

1) Steve Harper – Newcastle (62 Premier League apps, 0 goals)
Spent so much time on the bench at St James’ that one of the seats is inscribed with his name. On speaking terms with Shay Given in 2009 after a decade of silence.

2) Phillip Degen – Liverpool (3, 0)
Signed by Rafa in the summer of 2008, Degen mostly spent his first Anfield season being injured. Finally made his Premier League debut in 2009, and earned his first start against Fulham. Sent off as Liverpool went down 3-1.

3) Winston Bogarde – Chelsea (9, 0)
Famously chose to “loyally” see out his Chelsea contract, admitting it was because he wouldn’t be able to get £40k a week at any other club even if he was playing football.

4) Gerard Piqué – Manchester United (12, 0)
Signed by United from under Barcelona’s noses, Piqué’s role was mostly to watch Rio Ferdinand. Sold back to Barça, who he helped beat United in the Champions League final. Oh, and his full name is actually Gerard Piqué Bernabeu, just to stick it to Real as well.

5) Per Kroldrup – Everton (1, 0)
Everton spent £5m on the Dane specifically for the Boxing Day 2005 fixture away to Aston Villa, a 4-0 defeat. Job done, he left the Toffees the following month.

6) Eric Djemba-Djemba – Manchester United (20, 0)
A rare dud for Sir Alex, a potential replacement for Roy Keane who didn’t work out. Later repeated the trick at Aston Villa, and now plays in Denmark.

7) Shaun Wright-Phillips – Chelsea (82, 4)
Chelsea spent a banker’s bonus on SWP in 2005, but he had as much time on the bench as on the pitch, and missed the 2006 World Cup as a result. Scolari’s arrival spelt the end, and he returned to Manchester City.

8) Steve Sidwell – Chelsea (15, 0)
Left Reading after helping to keep them up, and vowed to do more than just make up the numbers at the Bridge. Failed, and left for Aston Villa after just one season, where he makes up the numbers. Last seen pretending to be a ballboy.

9) Sergei Rebrov – Spurs (60, 10)
Signed from Dynamo Kiev with a goalscoring reputation, his ten goals over two seasons cost more than £1m each in transfer fee alone. Further repaid Spurs by advising Roman Pavlyuchenko on avoiding “dark-skinned people”. A lovely chap.

10) Bosko Balaban – Aston Villa (9, 0)
A rare occasion that Deadly Doug Ellis deigned to write a cheque, he soon wished he hadn’t. Balaban lost motivation when he found out he’d have to pay for his own Aston and his own Villa.

11) Andy van der Meyde – Everton (28, 0)
The Dutchman could have been a good signing for Everton if only he weren’t as fragile & ill-disciplined as the British transport system in snowy weather.

Now I must add that this is by no means intended to be a “Worst XI”, although some of the McCarthy-Benitez team would be candidates. Others couldn’t possibly be, having not actually played in any meaningful sense. Rather, think of them as alternatives vying in their own way for your Noughties Nostalgia.

The following Premier League clubs are not currently experiencing a media certified official crisis:

• Aston Villa
• Birmingham City
• Blackburn Rovers
• Burnley
• Fulham
• Sunderland
• Wolves

Good times. (Please note that this list is subject to sudden change without notice)

When a team finds the net six times, you expect the supporters to go home more than pleased at the afternoon’s entertainment. For Hanover 96 this wasn’t the case, after they scored THREE own goals against Borussia Moenchengladbach and lost 5-3.

Karim Haggui was the lead culprit, with two of the own goals, whilst Ivorian Constant Djakpa chipped in to heighten the embarrassment. Watch out for the way he neatly chips the ball past his own ‘keeper, and for the congratulations from his teammates.

Having fought back to 3-4, thanks partly to Schulz tackling a defender on the goal-line, Haggui’s masterful finish for the second is followed by proud smiles as his achievement sinks in.

Click here for the video.

That was quite a day in the Premier League. Upsets, dives, non-dives, a spectacular long punt downfield, Sir Alex unhappy with a referee, yesterday had it all. Well, all except the Chelsea players giving a performance of river dance in the centre circle at half time. Here’s a review of interesting happenings.

Chelsea 3 Everton 3

The first surprise result of the weekend. Everton have more injuries than an A&E on a Friday night, Chelsea get wobbly knees whenever they have to defend a set piece – fact: only 2 of the goals they have conceded in the Premier League this season have come from open play.

Alan Shearer, on MOTD, told us what a fantastic match it was, an opinion which I suspect was influenced purely by the number of goals. That he followed up by highlighting the mistakes and fortunate ricochets that preceded 5 of the goals suggests the reality was different.

Man Utd 0 Aston Villa 1

Aside from this being Villa’s first win at Old Trafford since 1066, the most noteworthy incident was Wayne Rooney being booked for diving. This epitome of English sporting fair play can feel incredibly hard done after he was viciously hacked down by a rabid gang of Villa defenders, who also said some nasty things about his mother. In other words, the dive was blatant and Rooney is no better than Steven Gerrard and a host of other English players whose “continental” education was completed years ago.

Sir Alex was unhappy that there were only three minutes stoppage time added on, calling for Martin Atkinson to be sent to the Tower for some TLC. United’s defensive injury crisis cannot be blamed for their inability to break down a “very, very Aston Villa side” (Alan Shearer again).

Notlob 3 Man City 3

Gary Megson’s job is currently under some threat – like the palindrome of Bolton, he just doesn’t work – so he will be pleased with a decent result against City who are, in case you didn’t know, quite rich.

Meanwhile, the relatively cheap & cheerful Craig Bellamy, a player with a reputation for being a bit of a bounder, was rightly shown a 2nd yellow after catapulting himself through the air despite the nearest defender being 30 yards away. In other words, he was caught and the sending off was unwarranted. Mark Hughes expressed his anger after the match, calling for referee Mark Clattenburg to be sent to the Tower for some TLC.

Spurs 0 Wolves 1

Spurs recently scored 9 against Wigan, and they are now paying the price, unable to score at all against Wolves no matter how often Harry Redknapp did his bored-and-sulking-toddler facial expression in the dugout. It seems these things do even themselves out after all.

Wolves, in a law-of-nature-defying spree of adequacy, have now won consecutive matches and find themselves above the relegation zone. Mick McCarthy is delighted, although the resultant nosebleed ruined his best suit.

Stoke 2 Wigan 2

Wigan’s Maynor Figueroa scored from beyond the half-way line, and James Beattie was seen on the bench with a smile on his face, a clear indication of post-traumatic stress.

Hull 0 Blackburn 0

Hull are apparently wanting to host World Cup games in 2018. This is much more interesting news than a goalless draw with Blackburn.

Burnley 1 Fulham 1

Wade Elliott equalized after Bobby Zamora’s opener, the only scoreline to match my Lazy Premier League predictions. Roy Hodgson’s Zamora 4 England campaign received another boost, and petitions will be presented at 10 Downing Street next week.

Sunderland 1 Portsmouth 1

After scoring a late equalizer, Younes Kaboul was shown his 2nd yellow for removing his shirt in celebration. This is a sensible rule, brought in to ensure that Britain’s non-footballing majority don’t get too depressed about their own flabby moobs. It’s about time footballers recognized the role they have to play in maintaining national morale.

Prior to this, Darren Bent scored for Sunderland and Fabio Capello suffered an unaccountable itch on his right foot that he just couldn’t get rid of.

Birmingham 1 West Ham 0

Lee Bowyer scored the only goal of the game against his former club, and was hailed by boss Alex McLeish of the Clan McLeish, who admitted to being shocked at the discovery that his midfielder knows where the goal is.

I’m not at all sorry to say that the exhaustive analysis of club stats, form guides and injury lists method of predicting results is not for me. I much prefer the intuitive approach, which allows only a quick glance at the league table to educate my predictions.

So here goes for this weekends Premier League action:

Stoke 2 – 1 Wigan
Birmingham 2 – 0 West Ham
Notlob 1 – 2 Man City
Burnley 1 – 1 Fulham
Chelsea 3 – 1 Everton
Hull 2 – 2 Blackburn
Sunderland 3 – 1 Portsmouth
Spurs 3 – 0 Wolves
Man Utd 2 – 1 Aston Villa
Liverpool 0 – 0 Arsenal

As an aside, I can also safely reveal that Darren Bent will score against Portsmouth, Ashley Young for Villa against United and Frank Lampard against Everton. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do.