Premier League review

That was quite a day in the Premier League. Upsets, dives, non-dives, a spectacular long punt downfield, Sir Alex unhappy with a referee, yesterday had it all. Well, all except the Chelsea players giving a performance of river dance in the centre circle at half time. Here’s a review of interesting happenings.

Chelsea 3 Everton 3

The first surprise result of the weekend. Everton have more injuries than an A&E on a Friday night, Chelsea get wobbly knees whenever they have to defend a set piece – fact: only 2 of the goals they have conceded in the Premier League this season have come from open play.

Alan Shearer, on MOTD, told us what a fantastic match it was, an opinion which I suspect was influenced purely by the number of goals. That he followed up by highlighting the mistakes and fortunate ricochets that preceded 5 of the goals suggests the reality was different.

Man Utd 0 Aston Villa 1

Aside from this being Villa’s first win at Old Trafford since 1066, the most noteworthy incident was Wayne Rooney being booked for diving. This epitome of English sporting fair play can feel incredibly hard done after he was viciously hacked down by a rabid gang of Villa defenders, who also said some nasty things about his mother. In other words, the dive was blatant and Rooney is no better than Steven Gerrard and a host of other English players whose “continental” education was completed years ago.

Sir Alex was unhappy that there were only three minutes stoppage time added on, calling for Martin Atkinson to be sent to the Tower for some TLC. United’s defensive injury crisis cannot be blamed for their inability to break down a “very, very Aston Villa side” (Alan Shearer again).

Notlob 3 Man City 3

Gary Megson’s job is currently under some threat – like the palindrome of Bolton, he just doesn’t work – so he will be pleased with a decent result against City who are, in case you didn’t know, quite rich.

Meanwhile, the relatively cheap & cheerful Craig Bellamy, a player with a reputation for being a bit of a bounder, was rightly shown a 2nd yellow after catapulting himself through the air despite the nearest defender being 30 yards away. In other words, he was caught and the sending off was unwarranted. Mark Hughes expressed his anger after the match, calling for referee Mark Clattenburg to be sent to the Tower for some TLC.

Spurs 0 Wolves 1

Spurs recently scored 9 against Wigan, and they are now paying the price, unable to score at all against Wolves no matter how often Harry Redknapp did his bored-and-sulking-toddler facial expression in the dugout. It seems these things do even themselves out after all.

Wolves, in a law-of-nature-defying spree of adequacy, have now won consecutive matches and find themselves above the relegation zone. Mick McCarthy is delighted, although the resultant nosebleed ruined his best suit.

Stoke 2 Wigan 2

Wigan’s Maynor Figueroa scored from beyond the half-way line, and James Beattie was seen on the bench with a smile on his face, a clear indication of post-traumatic stress.

Hull 0 Blackburn 0

Hull are apparently wanting to host World Cup games in 2018. This is much more interesting news than a goalless draw with Blackburn.

Burnley 1 Fulham 1

Wade Elliott equalized after Bobby Zamora’s opener, the only scoreline to match my Lazy Premier League predictions. Roy Hodgson’s Zamora 4 England campaign received another boost, and petitions will be presented at 10 Downing Street next week.

Sunderland 1 Portsmouth 1

After scoring a late equalizer, Younes Kaboul was shown his 2nd yellow for removing his shirt in celebration. This is a sensible rule, brought in to ensure that Britain’s non-footballing majority don’t get too depressed about their own flabby moobs. It’s about time footballers recognized the role they have to play in maintaining national morale.

Prior to this, Darren Bent scored for Sunderland and Fabio Capello suffered an unaccountable itch on his right foot that he just couldn’t get rid of.

Birmingham 1 West Ham 0

Lee Bowyer scored the only goal of the game against his former club, and was hailed by boss Alex McLeish of the Clan McLeish, who admitted to being shocked at the discovery that his midfielder knows where the goal is.