Crazy day in a crazy Premier League season

Somewhere, in an alternate universe, Liverpool are six points clear at the top, Alberto Aquilani is heading for player of the season and Rafa is being hailed a tactical genius. This is also the case in the dreams of thousands of Kop-ites, but unfortunately, in this dimension, they are experiencing a waking nightmare.

Out of the Champions League, out of the title running, potentially out of Europe altogether next season, and with owners who are not welcome at Anfield or in each others homes. It couldn’t get much worse, except that it has after they lost 2-0 at Portsmouth today, the only Premier League club who can match them for Pantomime, and had Javier Mascherano sent off for a second time this season.

Envious glances are being cast north of the border, where a deep financial crisis for Glasgow Rangers was evident in a scrappy 6-1 win over Motherwell that strengthened their position at the top of the table. Rumours abound that Benitez is in favour of a league swap with Rangers, who are desperate for a bit of a challenge.

The only person Rafa won’t be envious of is Mark Hughes, who lost his job today, but he will be grateful that the media have been distracted from his own troubles like a hungry dog thrown a juicy steak by a burgler. This was especially so after an alarming press conference where Rafa answered questions mostly by chanting “the referee was perfect” in a Gregorian style.

Meanwhile, City’s thrilling 4-3 home win over Sunderland could have featured a naked Steve Bruce and it would still be utterly forgotten.

In London, Manchester United’s 9th string defence were dismantled by the excellent Fulham, the champions losing 3-0. Michael Owen was given a start, but was anonymous as always when the service to him is scarce. United have now lost 5 Premier League games this season, and this one was about as close to a thrashing as they ever get, although that may be what they did suffer at the hands of Fergie afterwards.

Aston Villa outbattled Stoke to win 1-0 at home and briefly take 3rd place, before Arsenal took it back again by beating Hull 3-0 at a half-empty Emirates. Apparently Gunners fans were stranded on the M1 north of Luton, presumably on their way back from ensuring Robbie Keane & Co. received the best of Irish hospitality.

Spurs played with the swagger that only a night out in Dublin can provide, and beat Blackburn 2-0 at Ewood Park. They await the Wrath of Redknapp on Monday. Harry himself had little reason for cheer as his lawyers chose an ideal day to bury bad news with the announcement that HMRC are taking action against him over a tax “issue”. Spurs announced that his position is safe, adding that this is a private matter unconnected to football. Suggestions that this by no means rules out a connection with Pompey are entirely mine.

Which brings us, in the manner of Michael Palin, full-circle. Portsmouth’s win over Liverpool saw them score the 500th goal of this bizarre Premier League season, but it wasn’t enough to move them off the bottom. However, should Chelsea beat West Ham tomorrow, Pompey will officially be the 19th best team in England.

Now that really is a crazy thought.