FA Tapes #1 – The Ngog Incident

Adrian Brevity: We could do without all the fuss over the Liverpool match last night. Have you seen it?

Lord Snootyman: Yes. You have to say, it was a terrible dive. What’s our official line?

AB: We’re saying the player lost his footing whilst trying to avoid a challenge. Benefit of the doubt and so on.

Sir David Pilchards: Lost his footing? He was in mid-air. You’ll have a job getting that one past the press.

AB: Oh, don’t worry. These things always die down after a few days. There’s an international at the weekend, that’ll give them something else to talk about.

LS: What are we doing to keep things under wraps in the meantime? A lot of people want us to throw the book at this chap. What was his name? MMMBop?

AB: Yes, that’s the fellow.

DP: Well, there’s no sense setting a precendent of course. We’ll follow the usual plan – pack young Walton off to Bury next weekend, release a statement about the authority of the referee, you know the drill.

LS: Good. After all, these things happen often enough. It could be Rooney next week, and we wouldn’t want to upset the Great Lord Ferguson with another needless disciplinary.

DP: All hail the Great Lord Ferguson.

AB & LS: All hail.

AB: On that subject, we need to be careful there. We’ve only just had that unpleasantness with Wiley. Last time we displeased his Greatness he sent us a used football boot in the post. Told us he’d deliver the other one personally and to have a surgeon standing by to remove it again.

DP: I’m well aware. I was in touch with young Beckham’s agent for some advice, but he said he’d moved halfway round the world trying to recover from the last time, and he was damned if he was getting involved again.

AB: Indeed.  Anyway, we’ve got the MMMBop business pretty well covered. Liverpool got a point, so Duque Benitez won’t give us any trouble. We can handle McLeish of the Clan McLeish and the press easily enough.

LS: Good.

DP: Oh, no, I don’t believe it. You need to see this.

AB: What’s wrong?

DP: It’s all over Sky Sports News. Peterborough have sacked young Prince Ferguson.

LS: What?! Damn, what do those fools think they’re playing at? That Fry is no end of trouble.

DP: Great Lord Ferguson will be most displeased at his young Prince’s humiliation.

AB: We must act at once. I’ll contact St. Thomas’ and have them standing by. You two start ringing round the other Championship clubs, see if one of them can’t be persuaded to create an immediate vacancy.